Yes. You have to take your shoes off when you go through security. This means it’s a good idea for you to wear shoes that can go off and on easily. Also, if you are averse to your bare feet touching the carpet/floor in the airport, wear socks of some sort. Men, this means no hiking boots. Ladies, for the love of all things holy, do NOT wear your hoochie mama strappy lace up shoes that take you five fucking minutes to take off and put on. You’re getting on an airplane, not going to the Academy Awards.
Speaking of shoes; your shoes do NOT need to go in a plastic bin. Quit hogging all the plastic bins for shit that doesn’t need it like your shoes and your fucking PURSE. The ONLY thing that needs to go in the plastic bins are laptops, small electronics like cellphones and iPods, pocket change and items like that. You do NOT need to put your fucking paperback book in a plastic bin, your shoes in another, your handbag in another, your sweater in another, and so on and so on and so on. That makes the people behind you NUTS.
If you have a laptop in your carry on baggage, please don’t get all the way up to XRay and act surprised that you are required to take it out of the case and run it through the XRay machine. And also don’t act surprised that the laptop has to be in one of those plastic trays, ALL BY ITSELF, and not with a bunch of your other shit on top of it.
Know the security rules. You can’t take liquids on the damn planes anymore. So don’t act surprised when the tired and cranky TSA agent sternly reminds you that you cannot take your bottle of Evian water on the plane and your Chanel lip gloss has to go because you either didn’t package it right, or you have too much crap. Remember if you are taking liquids on the plane, there is a 3-1-1 rule. ONE person is allowed to have ONE quart-size, clear plastic sandwich baggie containing liquid items of no greater than 3 ounces EACH item. I don’t care if you have 1 ounce of saline solution left in an 8 ounce container, you can’t take it in the cabin and stop trying to. Go to the goddamn drug store and buy a small saline bottle before you travel, you asshat.
You also can’t take your fucking Swiss Army Knife on board. So stop trying to. And don’t try that whole “Oooops, silly me! I forgot it was in there!” Bullshit. You’re either a lazy mother fucker that didn’t take the time to plan for air travel, or you rolled the dice and hoped you wouldn’t get caught.
Your boarding pass must be on your person when you go through the metal detector. If you leave it in your bag and put your bag on the conveyor belt for XRay, you are going to hold the rest of us up while the TSA has to pull your ONE bag from the belt, put it back on the other side, allow you to rummage through it to find your boarding pass, then put your bag back through XRay and allow you to walk through the metal detector. You’ve just held the line up for what feels like an eternity because you’re a fucking moron.
Also, when you place your items on the XRay conveyor belt, please make sure your items are actually traveling down the belt and into the machine. Don’t just leave all your crap sitting there. It’s not the TSA agent’s job to ensure your personal belongings proceed along the belt. They are YOUR items.
Likewise, when your items exit the XRay machine, have the good sense and courtesy to slide your belongings ALL THE WAY DOWN to the end of the belt and if a table is available, gather your items up and MOVE OUT OF THE WAY while you put your laptop away and put your shoes back on.
Let’s review, shall we?
- Wear shoes that are easy to go off and on.
- Don’t be a bin hog.
- Have your laptop out and in a bin ASAP.
- Your purse and shoes do not need to go in a bin.
- Carry your boarding pass on your person!
- Know your 3-1-1 rule on carry on liquids.
- No sharp items.
- Manage your own items and make sure the line keeps moving.
- Get out of the way!
Don’t ever, EVER, hold me up at the airport. I will hurt you.
Thank you, and have a nice day.
on QotD: Sorry, You Can't Wear That Anymore