TVJunkie

It's a little thing, really. But I would love it if everyone in the world would learn how to chew their food with their lips closed. I work with a guy who does that whole "prison stance" over his plate of food. You know what I'm talking about? He wraps his arms around his plate of food and holds his utensil in his right hand with the handle in his palm and the fork/spook poking out between his index finger and thumb. He then shovels his food into his mouth and this is when I can't even look in his direction. He chews with his mouth open, but I can see his tongue smooshing and smacking the food around in his mouth. It's visually disgusting and audibly gross.

QotD: Halo 3

Sep 30, 2007
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"Halo 3" was released this week - did you get a copy? What are your early thoughts on this final installment of the blockbuster trilogy?

Oh, yes. I got my copy and played it all the way through. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Love the new weapons. Love the new vehicles. I don't see this as the last Halo ever. Sure, this story line is done (allegedly), but the Master Chief lives and I'm sure Bungie and Microsoft will 'wake him when they need him'

And I'll be there.

TVJ's Travel Tips

Jul 9, 2007
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In order to aid my fellow travelers with fast and easy travel through the nation's airports, there are a few things I would really like you all to remember:

Yes. You have to take your shoes off when you go through security. This means it’s a good idea for you to wear shoes that can go off and on easily. Also, if you are averse to your bare feet touching the carpet/floor in the airport, wear socks of some sort. Men, this means no hiking boots. Ladies, for the love of all things holy, do NOT wear your hoochie mama strappy lace up shoes that take you five fucking minutes to take off and put on. You’re getting on an airplane, not going to the Academy Awards.

Speaking of shoes; your shoes do NOT need to go in a plastic bin. Quit hogging all the plastic bins for shit that doesn’t need it like your shoes and your fucking PURSE. The ONLY thing that needs to go in the plastic bins are laptops, small electronics like cellphones and iPods, pocket change and items like that. You do NOT need to put your fucking paperback book in a plastic bin, your shoes in another, your handbag in another, your sweater in another, and so on and so on and so on. That makes the people behind you NUTS.

If you have a laptop in your carry on baggage, please don’t get all the way up to XRay and act surprised that you are required to take it out of the case and run it through the XRay machine. And also don’t act surprised that the laptop has to be in one of those plastic trays, ALL BY ITSELF, and not with a bunch of your other shit on top of it.

Know the security rules. You can’t take liquids on the damn planes anymore. So don’t act surprised when the tired and cranky TSA agent sternly reminds you that you cannot take your bottle of Evian water on the plane and your Chanel lip gloss has to go because you either didn’t package it right, or you have too much crap. Remember if you are taking liquids on the plane, there is a 3-1-1 rule. ONE person is allowed to have ONE quart-size, clear plastic sandwich baggie containing liquid items of no greater than 3 ounces EACH item. I don’t care if you have 1 ounce of saline solution left in an 8 ounce container, you can’t take it in the cabin and stop trying to. Go to the goddamn drug store and buy a small saline bottle before you travel, you asshat.

You also can’t take your fucking Swiss Army Knife on board. So stop trying to. And don’t try that whole “Oooops, silly me! I forgot it was in there!” Bullshit. You’re either a lazy mother fucker that didn’t take the time to plan for air travel, or you rolled the dice and hoped you wouldn’t get caught.

Your boarding pass must be on your person when you go through the metal detector. If you leave it in your bag and put your bag on the conveyor belt for XRay, you are going to hold the rest of us up while the TSA has to pull your ONE bag from the belt, put it back on the other side, allow you to rummage through it to find your boarding pass, then put your bag back through XRay and allow you to walk through the metal detector. You’ve just held the line up for what feels like an eternity because you’re a fucking moron.

Also, when you place your items on the XRay conveyor belt, please make sure your items are actually traveling down the belt and into the machine. Don’t just leave all your crap sitting there. It’s not the TSA agent’s job to ensure your personal belongings proceed along the belt. They are YOUR items.

Likewise, when your items exit the XRay machine, have the good sense and courtesy to slide your belongings ALL THE WAY DOWN to the end of the belt and if a table is available, gather your items up and MOVE OUT OF THE WAY while you put your laptop away and put your shoes back on.

Let’s review, shall we?

Wear shoes that are easy to go off and on.
Don’t be a bin hog.
Have your laptop out and in a bin ASAP.
Your purse and shoes do not need to go in a bin.
Carry your boarding pass on your person!
Know your 3-1-1 rule on carry on liquids.
No sharp items.
Manage your own items and make sure the line keeps moving.
Get out of the way!

Don’t ever, EVER, hold me up at the airport. I will hurt you.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

QotD: Sorry, You Can't Wear That Anymore

Jul 6, 2007
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What clothing item do you wish could be banned?
Submitted by Mike E.

Low rise jeans with short, belly shirts worn by anyone with a BMI over 20. If your belly fat hangs over your low-rise jeans, you have no business showing it. Muffin tops only look good on muffins. Seriously. Know your body type and dress accordingly.

The "Y" Chromosome

Dec 4, 2006
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Also known as "the why-are-you-so-fucking-stupid/helpless" chromosome ..

The target audience for video games is young males. So, wouldn't you think that young males would, I dunno, be at least somewhat competent at said video games? Sure, some guys are good at them. Apparently, most of the ones I'm around aren't, though.

Fer instance.. I received a copy of "Call of Duty 3" a couple of weeks ago. Over that weekend, I played the game for about 8-hours or so over two days .. start to finish. By myself. No strategy guide. I just followed the game and figured it out. I also recently purchased "Gears of War". I got to play for a little bit while in Vegas with FB. FB is actually very good at video games (I chalk it up to the Asian in him!) and he was able to show be how to play the game.

Yesterday, I got together with Grace and Ray who I haven't seen in months. Ray asked me to bring the XBOX 360 and some games, so the first thing we did was crack out the "GOW" game and went into Co-op/split screen mode. Great googly-moogly! Ray SUCKED! He owns an XBOX, he's not new to games, we've played Halo many, many times. But Ray could NOT grasp this game AT ALL. When you're in co-op mode, if one player is injured, the other one has to approach the injured player and 'heal' him. I couldn't get Ray to come heal me for anything. I was getting so frustrated! I wanted to scream "HEY, SHITHEAD! If you don't get over here and heal my dude, we're going to have to start all over from the last checkpoint when I die, dumbass! Get over here you selfish turd!"

*sigh*

TEAMWORK, people. TEAMwork.

Same thing goes for my Roomie. I took my old XBOX to work and got him hooked by playing co-op Halo. But, DUUUDE. It was a continues dialog of "where am I?", "where do I go?", "what do I do now?" Aren't boys supposed to be good at this shit? Obviously, Roomie liked XBOX enough to go out and purchase a 360 system for himself, I seriously wonder how he's doing without me (or someone else) there to walk him through the game.

Today I went over to my parents to visit and do laundry. My nephew found out I was coming over, and he wanted to play "Gears of War", so he brought his XBOX 360 over. Despite the fact that he has played the game all the way through, he couldn't remember where we were supposed to go, how to best kill the different bad guys, etc., etc. Let me say it again. He has played the game all the way through (more than once). While the Nephew is pretty good at games, he sucks at being able to give instruction. Instead of "bad guys at your 3:00" or "bad guys to your right", he says "kill that guy over there". OVER THERE? Where the fuck is "over there"?

Lastly, the one thing all these guys DO have in common is the uncanny similarity in their ability to absolutely, positively always assume that THEY were the one that 'killed the bad guy'.

"Did you see that? I got him"
"I took care of all of them for you"
"Ha! I killed his ass"
"Got 'em, let's go"
"Lemme just get this guy"
"Look at the pile of dead guys I killed!"
"Take THAT MoFo"

Meanwhile, I'm off to the side, hiding behind a wall or a burned out car, picking off the bad guys one by one. I guess I'll let them think they are doing all the killin' if it makes 'em feel better about sucking so bad?